Most people perceive that confidence is something some people naturally have, like some kind of born gift. And therefore others, maybe you, do not have, because you didn’t get the gene. The reality, however, is that this is a myth. If you feel you lack confidence, you are making a generalisation about your life, without taking time to consider the facts. Even if you label yourself an introvert, or painfully shy there are skills, hobbies, professions, actions or character traits that you are very good that, that you know you can do well, perhaps better than most people you know, and therefore you are confident in.
And conversely even the most apparently outwardly confident person lacks confidence and bravado in areas of weakness, and traits they don’t own or have interest in. A successful person might be able to speak about commerce but be terrible at Yoga, for example. In this instance put this person on a stage in front of a load of people and they’ll manage. even master the talk on business and have fear, doubt and shame around teaching or attempting Yoga. This person isn’t confident, this person is confident in areas of highest value and interest, and lacking in the opposite. And so it is with you, and everyone.
Here are 10 things you can do to LEARN more confidence in the new or dishonoured area you want to build resilience & belief in:
1. You must believe you can be, learn and have confidence
Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right”. The first stage of change is to believe you can. Believe that confidence is learned not born, and a system that can be learned from areas of your own life or the traits of the greats. If you don’t believe in yourself, why should anyone else (see why in point 10 & summary).
2. Model what you’ve done in areas of confidence & transmute it
Honour the areas of your life where you have skills, experience, high self worth and therefore confidence, and reverse engineer what you did to build that confidence. It didn’t exist when you popped out of your Mum the day you were born, but the latent potential was always there. You have to follow a process to bring it to life. And so you can with anything that is physically and humanly possible (before people message me saying short people can’t be professional Basketball players!).
3. Find confident people in the areas you ant to be, and model them
The thing you feel is hard, someone, somewhere finds easy. Every master was once a disaster and every winner once a beginner, so know that the greats you idolise started where you are, too. SO seek them out, and honour their results any learning everything you can from them. Follow them on social media, podcasts, events, read their books, go on their courses; get them as a mentor if you can. Discover how they endured the struggles, learned the tips, tricks and hacks, and look to follow the trail they blazed. Learn vicariously through their mistakes, rather than making them yourself.
4. Hang around people who lift you up
People will haul you up or drag you down. If you hang around victims and neg-heads, they will peck away at you to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings and shame. So politely but persistently remove them from your life. We are heavily influenced by others. often without conscious awareness, and often the non-get-rich-quick-get-rich-quick or secret shortcut to success is to stand on the shoulders of giants and let them life you up.
5. Don’t keep giving up because confidence is like a battery gauge
If you start then stop then start then stop then repeat on many things, expecting to get good quick or rich quicker, the failures will damage your self worth. It takes time to be successful (but not a lifetime). So if you are moving into a new passion or profession, stick at it long enough to build results, experience and therefore confidence. Too many failures, because you never gave them a chance to succeed, will carry over into new ventures and compound a belief that you are not good enough.
6. Look at how far you’ve come not just how far you have left
The curse of the entrepreneur, the successful and the driven is never taking stock of how well you have done because you always want more more more and good is never enough. This pattern never ends, so periodically track back and count your blessings along your journey. Care enough about yourself to pat yourself on the back, celebrate and reward your progress, with small and significant, to build confidence and enjoy the moments as they come rather than wishing they were more. When people compliment you on your progress, rather than rejecting it because you are not where you want to be, take it in, thank them and be grateful. Then move to your next level.
7. Forgive yourself & others
Holding onto the mistakes you perceive you made, your guilt and shame. will carry forward and create a dent in your confidence building. Go back to strong memories and events that you can’t let go of, and realise the gifts and lessons from those experiences, and seek to understand why they served you. Once you balance them out, only then can you truly move on to becoming confident in new areas, because people carry these events and self-perceptions like physical baggage on their back that continues to weigh them down.
And like yourself, forgive others who you perceive have wronged or hurt you. It probably wasn’t personal, like your perceived mistakes they’re doing the best they knew at the time, and it is only you who suffers when you hold onto past events. Again, see the gifts and lessons. and let go, or even love them, for how they served you. Only then you can liberate yourself from your past and gain confidence fast.
8. List all the great traits about you (100)
There are so many great traits about you. You only don’t know this because you’ve never taken time to honour and list them all. Even the most shy and introverted have many great skills, because we are all unique and therefore have talents that no one else has. At first you may only think of a few, but if you push yourself to list up to 100 things about you that you like, love or are great at, it will fill your void that you can transfer into the new area you are gaining confidence in.
9. Get comfortably uncomfortable; take incremental risks & you grow
“If you don’t risk anything, you risk everything”. You can’t build confidence without building resilience, and to build resilience you need to expand what you believe you can achieve. Once you achieve a new level, you make it the new normal, and as such expand yourself. But you have to push yourself out there to expand yourself. Do not take huge risks because that can have the reverse effect and damage or scar your confidence. Baby steps become big steps.
10. LOVE yourself, or no one else will
The more you love yourself, from a place of self care and not hubris, the less you need ‘filling up’ from other people. You will have inner confidence rather than needing external validation. You are worthy of love, as is every human being on the planet. We all need it, but the person who often gives you the least is you. Honour your gifts, talk yourself up (even if only in private) and be good to you. You are worth it.
Remember this important fact about yourself: YOU ARE PERFECT just the way you are. Perfectly imperfect. Flawed and human. If you want the world to accept you for who you are, and so that you will to, then don’t try to be anyone else. As soon as you honour. respect and admire who you really are, and you are true to the real you, your confidence fills itself whatever stage of the journey you are at.
I BELIEVE IN YOU, because I have seen so many great turn around stories, including my own. I know you can do, be and have whatever you want as long as it is humanly possible. Follow these 10 points to fill yourself up with authentic confidence then go and give the gift of who you are to the world, because it needs people like YOU.