If you or anyone you know ever feel sorry for yourself, wallow in your self-pity from time to time, this is a very important audio and podcast.
We all feel sorry for ourselves, and it’s okay, because it’s a natural human emotion to have some self-pity and introspection. I just don’t want you to do it forever and set up these big pity parties, which you think you get this secondary gain from, but in fact, most people really don’t like.
In this article, I’m going to give you some dos and don’ts when it comes to feeling sorry for yourself, and self-pity, and to help other people you know who very often get into this wallowing. I have 11 strategies for you, which I think will help you.
The reality is, and I’m sorry to say this, there is going to be some proper ranty undertones in this episode. No one really cares how you feel. You liked to think that everyone cares about how you feel. You’d love to tell the world how you feel, and for the world to understand. But no one really cares how you feel. And the reason that is, it’s not because they are selfish, although we all are so much as we just all consumed with our own problems, feelings, thoughts, the things we’re processing and dealing with.
You go out to the world, looking for pity and attention, and that needy help and support. But the problem, is, people are looking for that too, or too busy dealing with their own baggage issues, challenges introspection. I think that’s just good to know. Some people are, ah, well, people do care. And that’s really a bit of a negative way to look at it, Rob, that no one cares about you and how you feel. I just think it’s a bit of a stoic mindset. I think it’s actually productive for you to assume that.
I could restate this, and say, no one cares, but your mum. Or, no one cares other than those that really do care, very close to you. But those people are few and far between. And even those people who really care about you, they’ve got their own shit going on in their head.
If you have this massive need for them to make you feel better, to set up your pity party, and play your violin or even the cello, or even the double bass, that’s going to be unsatisfying for you. A void that you could probably never fill.
I have 12 or 13 things that I think will really help with this. I’m not judging. I’m just commenting from my experience and my own personal feelings. Because I get like that from time to time. We all feel self-pity. It’s okay. It’s natural. It’s human, and it’s necessary. I just want to help you deal with it in a productive way.
I have to be honest that in mid 2019, I’d probably got myself stuck in a bit of a hole of self-pity, where I felt like, I’m very alone. I felt like no one really understood me. I felt I was working really hard, and really bringing good value to a lot of people around me, friends, and family, and partners, and people I work with and for, and work for me, of course, my children and close family. And I felt quite a sense of I just didn’t really feel that appreciated, noticed, valued. And I got myself into a bit of a hole of no one understands me. I’m there for everyone else on the planet. I do all this mentoring course. I give all these 15-minute free calls away. I message people day in day out, day in day out, helping them.
Who the f**k is helping me?!! What about me?!! And I’ve got into a bit of a hole of thinking, oh, why aren’t you helping me? And why aren’t you helping me? What are you doing for me? It’s okay to feel like that, because it’s the start of introspection, and therefore, the start of growth and challenge. I don’t know how long I wallowed in it. Let’s say a few weeks.
But looking back, I could have shortened that time by being just a little bit more productive and proactive, and reaching out for help and talking to people a bit earlier. And instead of sort of really going inward, expressing myself a bit more in the right channels. That’s what I’m going to help do for you.
No one is supporting you. And why does this happen to you? Feeling a little bit entitled, or a little bit of a victim, or things aren’t going well for you, and they’re going better than everyone else. I want you to get out of that feeling as quickly as possible. Or, at least to turn it into something positive. It’s energy at the end of the day. But it’s inward energy. It’s like a blackhole, a sucking in of energy. I’d like to help flip it on its head and turn it out into a radiant energy for you.
The problem with this self-pity, and this wallowing, and this “I’m feeling sorry for myself”, is, you get massive secondary gain. You get a bit of a dopamine hit. You get a rush of feeling good in a moment. That relief when you can moan, and complain, and bitch, and justify, and get the violin out, heart bleed, and everything else. So, it actually can feel very good to do that.
The problem, is, most people are too busy feeling that themselves to really care for you, to stop what they’re doing. They’re busy. They’re overwhelmed. They’ve got to stop. They’ve got to care. They’ve got to listen, because you need them to be fully attentive to meet your needs. And that’s very difficult at the moment in the world that we’re in.
I don’t think that playing the violin actually helps. You know, ah, look at me and my pity party, woe betide be my awful life, even though loads of people are looking at you going, shut up, you’ve got a great life. But what I do think works, and this is my first proper tip, if you like, and not just the share of experience, is, turn the playing of violin into the asking for help.
If you say to someone that is important to you. I just want to let you know I’m struggling a bit at the moment. I’d really like your advice. Could you give me a bit of time? Just 10 minutes. Could you sit down when you’re not busy at your convenience? Could I just share a couple of things I’m struggling with, that maybe you could help me with? That is a really productive and powerful way to approach someone, to get their time, to get their attention, to have them fully focussed and present on you so you can get the therapy that you need.
By the way, people like doing that for you, because it’s done under the right pretence. It’s not when they’re busy. It’s not at them. It’s in their own time to meet their own needs too, and then of course, who doesn’t like being asked for help to help someone who’s struggling. That’s a really great human need and feeling. You get this good endorphin rush when you’re able to help others. So, you give other people a gift.
Not enough people ask for help, and they suffer alone. This is where the self-pity comes in. Because at first you struggle away. You hustle. I can fix this. I can solve this. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want to bother anyone. Then it gets a bit hard. Ah, I’m frustrated. But don’t worry, I don’t need anyone. I can do this. Then it gets harder, and harder, and harder. Why me? Why is it hard for me? Then you start getting bitter and resentful to the whole world. Why has this happened to me? That’s not fair. You’ve got it easy. Then all of a sudden, it turns into a really negative energy. And that needs to come out. That needs to be expressed. If it’s not expressed, it will be repressed. What gets repressed in the end, gets expressed in other ways. Frustration, anger, revenge, lashing out, even dis-ease or stress hormones, et cetera, it has to come out some ways.
And I think the best way for you to have it come out is in a therapeutic way, in a cathartic way, in a way that serves you, that doesn’t build up. And I’m a great one, and had been in the past, certainly for bottling shit up. No, I’m not going to ask for help. No, I’m all right. You know, sometimes, when people ask you for help. You’re like, they’re desperately needing help. You’ve got this. Ugh, ah, ah, I need help. Ah, ah, life isn’t fair. Things aren’t going well. Then people ask to help. Ah no, I’m all right. Ah no, I’m all right. You want help. Then when they ask you, you don’t even take it. Because you almost want them to understand you and read your mind. No one can read your mind. So, if you want help, you’ve got to ask.
Know the difference between bitching, moaning, complaining, weh, weh, weh, weh, winching violin, and respectfully asking for help, and then having a good safe environment to do that. Look, we’re all allowed to rant. And that’s okay. I just think the way you’re going to let it out, try and shorten the time at which you wallow, and shorten the time at which you lash out, and you bitch and you moan, to maybe, days instead of weeks, hours instead of days, or minutes instead of hours.
I think that’s something I’ve learned to do. I’m certainly not perfect. I certainly experience all these emotions like everybody else. But I used to be bitter, and jealous, and envious. I hold massive grudges for years. That would only burn me inside. But I just couldn’t let it go. I didn’t have the mindset, or the skillset, or the experience. So, I don’t hate myself for it. I don’t beat myself up for it. I just didn’t have the tools to be able to move on from it the quickest.
I am now going to give you 12 or so tools to do this, how I think it works best for you. There’s a massive benefit of a bit of introspection, and self-pity, and self-loathing, and feeling alone, and frustrated. It’s the start of progressive growth. It gets you to be thoughtful, to look inside, to evaluate your strategies, and how you’re speaking to people, and what you’re putting out to the world. If your work is the right work, and if you’re expressing yourself in the right way so it actually serves you.
When you feel it, instead of lashing out, try and go inside and go, ah, okay, it doesn’t feel good, but I’m going to breathe it in. It serves me in some way. How does it serve me? Try and see how it serves you. Because then you’ll get out of it the quickest, and you’ll turn it into a gift. Because all emotions are feedback. And a lot of people are trying to deny their emotions. They’re hiding away from them, or trying to avoid fear, or any kind of negative emotion. Ah, just really happy and positive. Oh, everything is great, even though it’s not. They’re putting their best self out on social media. Inside, they’re crying their heart out.
The emotions you’re allowed to be honest about how you feel, inside and outside, I think telling people how you feel, is, the lashing out of the misery is really productive. Just want to let you know that made me a bit angry, instead of waah, because then I think people will understand. Honesty on your emotions is good. Feeling them, and honouring them, and breathing them in is good. Because then you don’t bother, and they don’t get unleashed or repressed into something else.
It’s feedback to the environment and the people and your reactions to them. It serves you to grow. So, here you go.
1. Select the right people to moan to
Everyone is allowed a bitch, a moan and a complaint. We’re human beings, and we can be very cathartic. Just select the right people to do it, not social media, not online in massive public groups, not to people who you can’t trust, not to people who will use it against you, not to people who go and share it that are indiscreet, but to close friends, family, partners, therapists, coaches, mentors, people who understand, who won’t use it against you, who will allow you to talk, who won’t judge you. This is vital.
You pick the right person to have your moan and your rant about, and get it out. Sometimes, you only need a minute to the right person, because they listen, and they care, and there’s no walls or judgement. Then it’s like, ahhhh…, I’m done. Thank you, my friend. This is a vital thing.
2. Make sure you get permission from the right people
Stopping people when they’re busy and distracting them, and go, weh, weh, weh… It’s only going to anger them. Whereas like, I said before, you say, look, I’m just struggling. Just need to get something off my chest. Do you have a little bit of time? I only need a few minutes, where I can just talk to you about something, and then get your advice. Bang, they’ll be yours. They’ll be centred. They’ll be present.
3. Isolate yourself from email, social media, and clients
You must isolate yourself from email, social media, and clients when you’ll be triggered, emotional, angry, sorry for yourself. Because you’ll write, and put things in the public domain that you’ll regret later. Make sure you’re isolated from yourself. When you’re going through that moment of self-pity or loathing, which can turn into anger, frustration, bitter, jealousy, et cetera.
4. Avoid toxic people
This is even more important actually than the first thing, is the opposite of that. You must avoid toxic people when you’re feeling vulnerable. People who will use it against you. People who will lash back at you. People who will judge you. People who will hurt you. People who will inflict revenge upon you. People who enjoy your pain. They need to all be gone. Gone, gone, bye. Don’t be tempted. Or, these people you think that they’re great, but they’re like, oh yes, Rob. Oh yes, Rob. Oh yeah, you’re right. I mean that’s awful. Oh Rob. No, no, no, they don’t serve you. They serve you in the moment. But they don’t serve you in the long term.
5. Allow some time to feel the pity and the loathing
By all means, allow some time to feel the pity and the loathing. Breathe it in. Go through it, but shorten it. And then the next point, is, you must do something about it. What are you going to do about it?! Stop wallowing and start researching. Stop moaning and start creating, or solving, or fixing, or asking, or doing. You’ve got to do something about it.
A great thing that you can do by the way, is, to move. You’ve probably noticed or heard or seen or read, that often when people are very low and depressed, they don’t even get out of bed. And they just don’t move. Tony Robbins says, motion creates emotion. Motion creates emotion. If you’re feeling low, depressed, lost, just get up and walk. Just go for a walk. Go for a run. You won’t feel like it, but do it.Go to the gym. Go and get on the running machine. Do in some ways. Move. Because the more you move, the move you get yourself out of that lull, and that hole, and that blackhole of pulling energy in once you start getting energy outwards.
7. Express all your feelings
You could journal. You could write and express all your feelings down. You could do a podcast or a live video as long as you’re not attacking people. I’ve always told you this. My podcast is also my therapy to myself, and my own emotions and challenges. My rants are that. I try and turn that into good work, that the world finds value from. I try and do it in a respectful way, i.e., not pointing fingers at individual people, or segments of people or culture or races. I try my best not to do that. Just make it general and about me, and not about them, because I know I’ll regret that later. And usually, I share my own inner feelings, and not what people have done to me. I mean every now and again. I’m going to stand up. I’m going to fight someone who f**ks with me. I’m not going to get bullied. That’s ok. But that usually only happens once or twice a year. So, that’s all right.
How can you let it out? Podcast, video, really good conversation with an interesting person, journal. Write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write. Get it out. Let it out. Go to the gym. Walk, run, move. Use that energy that’s inward, outward. Do good work. Go and do your mission. Go immediately help people. Because then you turn it into something. You create energy. Like Tony Robbins says motion creates emotion.
8. Analyze yourself
Why do I feel like that? Where does it come from. What’s triggered me? What is it about them that I don’t own in myself. How can I change? How can I be the change I want to see in the world? What are the upsides? What are the solutions? And you have to get out of problem mode, and into solution mode, i.e., I’m a fixer now. I’m fixing the shit. I’ve had my moment of wallowing in my own self-pity. I’ve played my violin. I’ve played a few songs. I wrote a concerto. Now, it’s done. Now, I’m fixing this problem, bish bash bosh.
Fixing mode is a very powerful mode. Be careful that when people are talking to you, they just want to talk. Be careful not to try and fix their life. I know this, because I’ve been given this feedback, because I am a natural fixer. As soon as people sit down to talk to me, I want to fix, fix, fix. No, I just want to let them talk. Let yourself talk, and then fix.
9. Meet your needs somewhere else
Could you meet your needs somewhere else? You’ve got this need to be noticed, to be listened to, to be understood, to maybe share a bit of your emotion. How else could you get that need met other than to people who really are going to serve you? Could you have a therapist? Could you have a mentor, a coach? Could you create a blog on it, an article series? Do a podcast series on it, et cetera? I think that’s very cathartic. You can turn it to good in the world.
Make sure you’ve got wise counsel around you. I mean, all the time, anyway. But when you’re in this emotion, people who’d call you out on your shit, people who’d just correct you and show you the upside, and guide you, and care about you, and want you to win, and have got your back.
If you can speed up the time, it takes from you to get out of the self-loathing, and pity, and feeling sorry for yourself into production, productivity, movement, energy, catharsis, that’s going to serve you and your life better. I think that is your evolving, ongoing self-mastery. Is it used to take days, or weeks, or months, or years? And now it takes hours, or minutes, or seconds. The process still happens. You still go through those emotions. You cannot disown those emotions, because all emotions serve humanity in some way. They are reactions to the environment to help our survival. To aid our security, to help our survival. It’s not about disowning them. It’s about just managing them, seeing the purpose and the upside, and then turning it into something positive and productive.
11. Emotional state or thought process
One emotional state or thought process, which will immediately remove all negative emotion. That’s not a quick win necessarily. It takes practice. But it absolutely is guaranteed to get rid of all negative emotion, and that is, gratitude. You cannot feel genuine gratitude, and any other negative emotions simultaneously. It’s impossible.
They say practice gratitude. It is a practice. Let’s be honest. We all feel grateful when things are going well. But when we perceive things are going shit, or we’re perceiving more downside more than upside, then gratitude is harder. You have to practice gratitude.
I was talking to someone yesterday who’s like oh, man, entrepreneurship, it’s a never-ending pursuit. I’m never content. I’m never happy. There always seems to be more. People tell me I’ve got a great life. I work with celebrities. I get to drive amazing cars. Yeah, I’m never content. I’m never happy, because there’s always more. And that’s because that person isn’t grateful for where they’re at. They’re not grateful for they do every day.
If you sit down for a minute, or just have catch yourself. I like to do this a lot in the day, catch myself, going ah well, I’m really grateful to be alive. Ah well, I’m really grateful that I get to go to the gym and when other people don’t get to go to gym. I’m really grateful to have all my community, and followers, and supporters. I’m really grateful to have my cars, my business, my family. Even to be able to listen to beautiful vinyl and amazing music.
I try and do gratitude in the evening as a practice and go through all the things I’m grateful, big and small. But I don’t just want something that you do 5 minutes a day, before you got to bed, or when you get up. Catch yourself in little moments in the day, just going I’m grateful for this. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful of this. I’m grateful for that. And breathe it in. Over time as you get better at that
Your mastery in gratitude, is, when you’re grateful for the challenges. Grateful of the difficulties. Grateful for the hardships. Grateful for what you perceive to be negative, because you know it serves you in some ways. Because you know it teaches you. because you know it prepares you for the next level. Because you know it makes sure it’s more resilient, determined individual. Because you know it’s a sign of growth. Because you know, if you weren’t getting in this challenge, you’ll be at a lower level.
Gratitude for your challenges, your difficulties, and your pains. That is mastery of yourself, emotions and life. Because nothing negative can exist in the same moment in time as gratitude emotionally.